The Witch that wouldn't leave
by Unicornkatt
Summary: Uther finds himself playing host to a witch that he cant get rid of. Very OC.
1. Holes in the throne room

**This is just pure mind splurge, to stop me littering up Laughsalot12's review page with my mini torture Uther drabbles. I just wanted to write a longer version with some actual description in it as its great fun for me to do. Thus this was born. **

**Here's to you Laughsalot12 and keep up the good work =)**

* * *

><p>Uther over the years had dealt with a lot of crises, ranging from castle raids to outbreaks of sickness, through his rein as King of Camelot. Even the odd war had been dealt with, sure there would be a few casualties along the way, but to die for one's kingdom was considered a great honour. <em>Of course<em> as long as he wasn't doing any of the dieing that is.

Then there was the matter of sorcery, a fair few executions not to mention the Great Purge all handled without that much fuss and with no problems, if you disregard the constant string of magical atacks on his life that is.

Nothing fazed King Uther anymore, all regarded him with the respect and fear he governed as King.

Nothing that is until _she_ turned up.

He had tried everything to get rid of the witch.

He tried to execute her, she turned the executioners axe into a necklace, to which she was still wearing and then promptly started, in no other words, _'surfing'_ the crowd.

He tried to burn her, _several times_, and it rained. Even when they tried it indoors, it still managed to rain. Explain that one.

Drowning, she had turned herself into a boat and spent an hour sailing round the moat till one of the guards had caught her with a net.

Imprisoning her just resulted in a bunch of highly noisy, highly musical cell mates and guards. It had lasted a week until Uther got wind of a Choir concert being held down there.

Banishment his last option. Again had failed miserably when she put it to him that he couldn't exactly execute her if she came back.

Alas Uther Pendragon had met his match.

The young witch had bested him and for the first time in his life Uther admitted defeat and Camelot castle, gained a resident witch.

Of course she had made her presence _very_ much felt over the last week of her unofficial tenancy, taking to harassing poor Uther every chance she got. It seemed that everyday he was met with the mess she left behind. The incident with the stuffed bear rug, the most recent issue, still had most of the nobles watching their backs for any so called '_Bear_' hugs.

But as with everything in Camelot, the castle and the citizens just grew to live with it, afterall what could they do? It was just put down to 'one of those days'.

* * *

><p>It was on, one of those days that Uther, surrounded by papers and documents, found himself straying from thought on official business.<p>

"_It's been 12 hours of peace, what's she doing that's allowed 12 hours of peace. No don't be distracted that's what she wants, it's part of her little game. A twisted little game. Focus on the reports and just forget about her."_

Placing his seal over one finished report Uther successfully distracted himself from his mini mind torment. For all of 2 minutes that is.

'_Maybe she switched all the name plates round the castle again, no don't let her have the satisfaction that's she's winning, you're a king and you are in control of your mind. Now the borders report that….."_

Interrupted mid-thought, Uther stared up at the small servant who had just run into his room. The sweaty brow, the irregular breath and the nervous twitch, he knew what those were all signs of.

'_Her'_

Excuse me Sire the guards request you urgently..its…its….she's at it again.

"_Knew it"_ Screamed his brain as he simply stared passively at the servant before rising to his feet and motioning for the servant to lead. Placing the now sealed report down on the table as he rounded his desk and set of in what appeared to be the direction of the throne room.

He was greeted outside the double doors by two guards who saluted respectively as the servant bowed out and fled towards the kitchens.

"Sire we sent word to you as soon as we found her, we would of come personally instead of sending a servant but, well we felt it urgent that we _contain_ her in one place."

The second guard merely motioned to the door as his other half finished his hurried explanation.

Uther felt the beginnings of a headache coming on as pressing his hand tightly to his temple he asked the dreaded question.

"So what is it that your containing that involves keeping her in my throne room"

The second guard replied this time as the first guard took over motioning to the door.

"Its better if you see it yourself sire"

Stepping to the other side of the door, simultaneously the guards grasped the heavy handles and pulled the double doors open revealing the situation to the King.

"What in Solomon's reign are you _doing_?"

The words were out his mouth before his brain even began to process the mess that lay before him. His jaw he was sure was now in one of the many holes that littered the floor of the throne room. If you could call them holes and not craters as they each were very deep and very large.

There was a pause as a shovel came to rest and a pair of blue eyes swivelled round to meet his own in a calm manner. You wouldn't believe the young girl, currently stood knee deep in a hole, was anything but innocent if you relied on that look alone but then the evidence around her spoke otherwise.

"Digging"

The monotone voice of the girl broke through his analysis of his trashed throne room.

"I can see that. Why? Why here? Why not outside!"

Surprisingly his voice remained quite calm in spite of the situation presented.

"I'm a mole"

"I'm sorry, your what?"

"I'm a mole and we dig in the most inconvenient places"

"My throne room?"

"What can I say its our little mole way and I cant deny that fact, it's a part of me"

"Your not a mole"

"Of course not, I haven't dug enough holes yet to qualify"

"Fill them in _right _now"

"What no, this has taken me all morning and most of the afternoon"

"You've been digging by hand"

"Yes"

"I cant believe I'm saying this but why didn't you use your magic?"

"Moles don't have magic"

"Moles don't have shovels either"

"…"

"Clear it up"

"But _why_, give me two good reasons and I'll consider it"

"One its _my_ throne room and I need it, _floor intact,_ to conduct business."

"Oh come on that's such a small detail"

"Two it's a health hazard, someone could fall in"

"…."

"Someone fell in didn't they?"

"…Maybe.."

Dignity be damned if he couldn't smash his head continuously into a wall right now. Of all the witches to be stuck with it had to be the one without any common sense.

Grinding his teeth his reply came short and fast.

"Well what happened to them, surely people falling in your holes would tell you to stop and….."

Uther halted at the shifty look on the girls face.

"Their still in the hole aren't they?" He deadpanned.

"Well if we hypothetically were to say that he, again hypothetically, was still in said hole than you wouldn't be totally wrong"

"So hypothetically which hole would this man be in if I were to ask"

The girl pointed to the hole three holes down from his left.

Sighing and wondering what he had ever done to deserve this life, _oh wait never mind,_ he called out for the two guards to inspect the hole.

The report from the guards however was not what he had been expecting.

"Sire, it appears that she's caught an assassin"

_'Typical'_

"Well pull him out anyway"

* * *

><p>The assassin, after being dragged out the very large hole, had confessed whole heartedly once he caught site of the shovel wielding witch and was then promptly manhandled out of sight towards the dungeons, still looking very confused at the whole ordeal. The king could feel the smug grin on the girls face before he even turned back round to face her.<p>

"Even if you caught an assassin fill in the holes!"

"Oh come on, they just saved your life"

"Fill them in now, end of discussion"

With that said Uther turned on his heels and walked back out the door, leaving the witch and the two guards alone in a very holey throne room.

The silence was soon broken by a very girly shriek.

"You two are such taddle tales"

"We're not the ones pretending to be a mole because she cant remember where she buried the Kings favourite crown"

"You two said you wouldn't tell him"

"We haven't, now have you found it yet, because Uther's going to realise at some point what you've really done."

"Hah I'll believe that when I see it"

"WITCH"

A loud bellow echoed off the castle walls, making the whole room flinch.

"Uh-oh looks like he busted me early, catch"

"Don't leave us with criminal evidence"

"Yeah take back your stupid shovel"

The shouts of the two guards went on deaf ears as the witch fled out the back throne room doors, a passing comment thrown over her shoulder.

"Bye boys"

Before the two guards could give chase, Uther, who was practically spitting flames, promptly flew back into the throne room

Only to fall pitch first into one of the witch's early dug holes.

Yes it was just 'one of those days' in Camelot.

* * *

><p><strong>That is my mental mind splurge over. If you liked It then thanks =)<strong>

**I love to torture Uther Muahaha!**

**Unicornkatt**

**x-x**


	2. Monsters under the bed

**Your reviews drove me to write more magical torture for Uther. Thus more random chaos from Camelots unoffical resident witch was born. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p>It was just past midnight in the castle of Camelot. With his two personal guards stationed outside his chambers and his manservant dismissed hours ago. Uther found himself in the midst of sleep. Threats of attack and sickness firmly out of mind. It was nights like these, that he looked forward to, in his days as reigning king. Even the ever present threat of magic had leaned off recently. Camelot had officially been magic free for two weeks at his last count.<p>

* * *

><p>The sound of creaking floorboards was the first thing that alerted his old, yet still very alert senses to an intruder. That combined with the brief breeze that was tingling his peeping foot at the end of the bed alerted him that his chamber door was open.<p>

The embers from his fire stoking into renewed life, through the cold breeze blowing in from the corridor outside.

Slowly opening his eyes and blinking through the haze of sleep, a familiar figure took shape among the backdrop of his chambers.

Camelot's illegal resident witch and his personal stalker.

Suppressing the urge to groan he rolled over. Hopefully if he ignored her, she would leave him alone. The theory hadn't worked so far but he was always the optimist.

"Uther"

The small whispered words echoed round the room and unfortunately it was at this moment he felt a familiar tingle in his side. The sort of tingle that demanded scratching.

"Uther"

Maybe if he subtlety reached down to scratch then she wouldn't notice he was awake. If he moved slowly then it would look natural.

Slowly creeping his hand down to his side he felt the familiar ease of satisfaction as his itch faded away. A small satisfactory sigh escaping his lips.

'_Oh dammit'_

"I know your awake, now answer me"

The annoying voice was now accompanied by rough shaking on his person. His elbow jabbing painfully with his rib at each shove.

The gods obviously had it in for him.

"Refusing to acknowledge a lady. Fine you leave me no choice.

'_Some lady'_

His inner mind snorted at the thought, the pain in his rib subsiding with the sudden lapse in noise and shaking. Peeping an eye open in sly curiosity he noticed the witch had seemingly disappeared. A small ghost of a smile lazily appearing in the corners of his mouth.

Head sinking back into the soft pillows, he let himself drift back to a mist haze pre sleep.

The witch obviously having finally listened to him and left. Perhaps if he kept it up he could finally kick her out of Camelot. Maybe throw her a farewell party.

Enjoying the small bubble of satisfaction he let his eyes slide shut.

**SPLASH**

Bolting upwards Uther felt the liquid soak into his night clothes, a few stray drops dripping off his face as he coughed up the small amount he had breathed in.

"Ah good your awake"

"What are you…you cant just…that's…ugh!"

Uther felt himself splutter as his foggy mind fought to catch up with the events happening. Raising an eye to face the smug witch.

"You were being rude and ignoring me"

"I'm the king it's one of the perks of the job. Besides you can't chuck water on me. That's ground for arrest"

Holding the small pot loosely in her crossed arms, the witch regarded him with an uncaring glance. Ignoring the threat of arrest with a simple snort.

"_Technically_ I didn't throw water on you and as King you should listen to what your citizens have to say"

"Your not a citizen of Camelot. I banished you remember"

"Fine. An illegal citizen of Camelot. Besides shouldn't you listen to a plea from a damsel in distress?"

"A supposed damsel who fails to realise how inappropriate it is for her to wander so carelessly into the kings royal chambers in the dead of night"

"…"

"Oh come on, that's exactly how it looks to the serving staff"

"I promise to silent spell any person that even mentions such an act. Besides that's still not an excuse."

"Its after hours"

"Didn't you tell Arthur that being a king is a full time job the other day"

Uther paused at that. Levelling a suspicious glare at the witch.

"Yes well when I told him that in a _private meeting_. I didn't exactly take this situation into mind now did I"

"True but then as ruler you should be prepared for anything"

"I hate you, have I ever said that"

"Frequently"

"Just checking…wait…can you smell something funny?"

The sudden vile smell jolted the kings nose. Sniffing around for the source he found himself drawn to the wet patches now adjourning his body. The smell was familiar but no less disgusting.

Eyes widening in horror the king looked back onto the shrugging gauze of the witch. Eyes now drawn more to the small pot held in her arms.

"What you said earlier…..please tell me its not true."

"I told you it wasn't water"

"Then that's…"

"It was the nearest liquid to hand"

"So you chose to throw it at me"

"It worked didnt it?"

"This is not happening! I'm still asleep and your not here disturbing me to-

"Check under my bed"

-Yes to check under…your_...bed?"_

A silence fell upon the room once more as each figure stared at the other.

"….."

"Please tell me that's not why you woke me up because if it is, I'm going back to sleep"

The girl's figure tensed slightly at the question. The witch actually seemed to be in no other words flushing in embarrassment.

"You heard me"

The witch shuffled awkwardly, toying with a lose piece of hair.

"Let me get this straight. You want me-

He pointed at himself.

-to come to your room, which by the way you shouldn't even have and check under your bed"

"Yes"

"For what exactly"

"Moingshertls"

"Speak a little clearer please"

"Monsters"

"No"

The sad face opposite him was only slightly enough to make him feel bad. A few seconds passed until the witch obviously got the fact that puppy dog eyes wouldn't work on him. Returning to her usual brash manner.

"Oh please, I bet you did It for Arthur"

"No I didn't because I think you'll find he is a brave prince who doesn't believe in such nonsense"

"I bet he did when he was little"

"Never"

Scooting closer the witch tried once more with a soppy look.

"Oh please"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"No"

"Yes"

"Excellent"

"Wait….no I didn't mean"

Uther was cut off as the witch leant forward and grabbed his hand. His chambers blurring around him in a tight vortex of colour. The slight popping sound the last remnant of their presence in his chambers.

* * *

><p>It was to say, the least glamorous descendent as Uther's face met the damp stone floor, the witch typically landing gracefully on her feet.<p>

Peeling his face off the ground, he found himself staring round at the annoyingly large bedchambers. It was fitted with a variety of bookshelves and ornaments. A fireplace nestled neatly in one corner with a large balcony window, overlooking the courtyard of the castle.

_Typical that she got a balcony window and he didn't.._

He thought annoyed as he clambered to his knees, head resting on the bed post he had landed next to. Feeling the gauze of the witch he turned to regard her. An expecting look on her face as she gestured lightly to the underside of what he assumed was her bed.

"You've got to be kidding me. Your serious. I cant kick you out of Camelot because of all your witchy powers, yet you lack the power to look under your bed because of a childish belief"

The witch stomped her feet moodily at the comment.

"Monsters under the bed are a real threat and if you weren't so arrogant you would be more concerned"

"If your going to insult me then, I'll just leave"

"No don't go...please"

"If I do this, no more spying on me in private meetings"

"What defines as private?"

"_Witch_"

"Fine you have a deal"

"While were negotiating how about that banishment"

"Don't push it"

Deciding that was about as good as he was going to get, he relented and crawled beneath the bed. Even in the darkened light, the space was clear. Just as he suspected all along. No so called monsters. Crawling back out he turned his expression on the waiting witch.

"There's nothing there"

"Then your task is complete, you can now leave"

The witch gestured towards the door at the opposite end of the room.

"That's it! All that effort to kidnap me here and you just…just dismiss me. It's an outrage"

"Kidnap is such a strong word, besides you said yes"

"You tricked me with your mind sorcery"

"You were outwitted just admit it. Now if you would leave, I would like to go to bed."

Pointing again towards her chamber door the witch collapsed onto her bed, the covers pulling back and covering her with a flick of the wrist.

"You cant just dismiss me. I'm the king and this is my castle"

"Well if you could see it that you escort your royal self out then I as your humble subject would be most grateful"

Grumbling at the dismissal he strode towards the door only to stop beside a large cupboard. Deciding to have a little fun he shuffled over to it. Turning himself to face the direction of the witch.

"Oh look perhaps theirs a scary monster in this cupboard. Oh what's the witch going to do"

"I wouldn't look in there if I were you"

"Afraid that the scary monster is going to come out. Oh no my hand slipped"

Letting his hand pull down on the lever he threw the door open only to freeze in shock at the sight.

A large breezy breath ruffled his night clothes as looking up he met with the giant stare of two blue eyes. The eyes in question blinking down on him.

"Your not…you cant be..?"

Looking to the witch for an explanation he received a shrug from the pile of blankets and cushions. A muffled response playing out.

"When did I ever say that cupboard monsters don't exist"

Looking back to the thing, he noted it had leaned further forward. The large blue fur more visible now in the moonlight. A sparkly object drawing his attention to the things head.

"Is that my crown?"

"So that's where it went"

The muffled voice from the bed called out.

The thing's eyes looked up before locking gauzes with the king again. A large spiky grin coming into sight.

"You know what! Keep it!"

With a whimper and a squeak Uther pitched backwards in a dead faint. The witch looking over to the sight.

"I wonder if he knows about the one under the main staircase?"

* * *

><p><strong>Review? Pretty Please?<strong>

**If not I'm sure there's another pot of *ahem* water. Lying around for me to throw ;)**

**Unicornkatt**

**x-x**


End file.
